Surroundings

"http://www.songmeanings.net/lyric.php?lid=61916&offset=25&page=2
by treehousek1d on 05-28-2005 @ 03:26:55 AM

I've always considered this to be sort of an under the radar Miss Misery. The 'girl' serves as a metaphor for a recurrent mental state that manipulates his life, very similar to the Miss Misery conveyed later on in Good Will Hunting.

Towards the end, he realizes that he has little control over how he's received. Your personality is essentially in the hands of other people; you are what those who you surround yourself with make of you. All you can do is 'wait and see.'"

Your personality is essentially in the hands of other people; you are what those who you surround yourself make of you...
My "blog personality" is very different to my actual one, I guess that sentence makes some sense. The way I type when I Blog is I guess, the behind the tinted window actual me. While the outside of my personality is what my friends and family make of me, funny, caring, too shy, if there was a word for life lover it would be here, and whatever you can make of me from videos or experience. Similar, but not the same, like chimp and human DNA. I think it's only me and a few other people that know the actual me. Not even my family knows me, or they at least think they do. How surprised do you think would they be? Probably not at all, maybe just make fun of me in front of new and old people. It sucks to express yourself these days, it's too much a drag for others to understand. I only wish they could see through my 5 percent's. I know for a fact someone can change me, it's already happened and it's a good feeling. While I look at myself and think at some miniscule thing that's been changed, it feels 1000 times better than it should be. I mean you probably wouldn't even understand and that's something I would hide from this blog, how much do I have to hide...
Someone please figure me out, even though that statement just means I'm waiting for a g. I'll probably end up like Nikola Tesla with women, I don't really mind though because I have myself. It's too hard to accept life, I want to remain innocent, like a baby. If I ever lose it I might or might not regret it, but how do I choose? I love women like never before, but damnit I'm living in my own surreal little world where I don't recognize them as humans like me even though they are, but as something better and intangible. It's probably because I take it too far or something, they get weirded out. Man, in the old days this kind of stuff was so much easier... "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
If it's your decision to be open about yourself, be careful or else.

Kings Crossing

Wow haven't updated since the 16th, now it's the 28th. Damn, haha. Anyways, a lot of things have happened since then and I guess you(I) should know. I stopped updating because I joined lacrosse again mid-season with like 4 games left, now it's done. I've been listening to a lot of songs that aren't considered me, but then I read some lyrics and listened to these songs a few times and they're actually good. Well, it's not really a few bands or anything, it's just one guy named Elliot Smith. He died two years ago, either suicide or having been murdered, no one really knows. I downloaded one of his songs a long time ago named Angeles, from the soundtrack of the movie Good Will Hunting. At the same time I'm blogging here, I'm in this MSN chatroom with some Turkish dude who hacked snapple.com and put my name on the shoutouts list which is pretty cool actually. I asked him to take it off after taking a screenshot of it since I know the FBI would destroy me, what can't they do now? Ok back to Elliot Smith, I liked his song Angeles since I heard it during the movie and downloaded it. Then I realized not long ago that this guy actually sang that song(meaning, I forgot who was the singer) and started downloading more and ended up liking it a lot. Most of his songs are about drugs or girlfriends and what I like most about these songs is the way they're written. It gives you a chance to interpret the meaning of the song but in the end you see there's no "correct interpretation." It's vague enough to be understood in many ways but specific enough to give you a good idea on what it's about. Don't understand? Here are some lyrics:

the king's crossing was the main attraction
dominoes are falling in a chain reaction
the scraping subject ruled by fear told me
whiskey works better than beer
the judge is on vinyl, decisions are final
and nobody gets a reprieve
and every wave is tidal
if you hang around
you're going to get wet
i can't prepare for death any more than i already have
all you can do now is watch the shells
the game looks easy that's why it sells
frustrated fireworks inside your head
are going to stand and deliver talk instead
the method acting that pays my bills
keeps the fat man feeding in beverly hills
i got a heavy metal mouth that hurls obscenity
and i get my check from the trash treasury
because i took my own insides out

it don't matter cause i have no sex life
all i want to do now is inject my ex wife
i've seen the movie
and i know what happens

it's christmas time
and the needles on the tree
a skinny santa is bringing something to me
his voice is overwhelming
but his speech is slurred
and i only understand every other word
open your parachute and grab your gun
falling down like an omen, a setting sun
read the part and return at five,
its a hell of a role if you can keep it alive.
but i don't care if i fuck up
i'm going on a date
with a rich white lady
ain't life great?
give me one good reason not to do it

this is the place where time reverses
dead men talk to all the pretty nurses
instruments shine on a silver tray
don't let me get carried away
don't let me get carried away
don't let me be carried away

Read it a few times and think about it. To me, it clearly talks about drugs and tries to put his depression into perspective. Now, what I love about this song is how well he uses metaphors I suppose. The first paragraph is interesting and a good sort of introduction, he talks about the Kings Crossing .. main attraction which is probably the drug. The next line about dominoes falling in a chain reaction is like, once you start you can't stop. Skip a few lines and the verse about injecting his ex-wife is pretty self-explanatory(think heroin). The next part about Santa is interesting as well, it talks about the pine needles on a tree and a skinny santa. If you think about it, the skinny santa is some junky and is bringing Elliot some dope. The next part you would read over and not think twice about it is about dating the rich white lady. I think the rich white lady is not necessarily a human. Again think about heroin, what color is it? I like how he says, "I don't care if I fuck up" before talking about dating the lady and that's what made me re-think. Why would a rich white lady date someone who messes up all the time and doesn't amount to anything? So this relationship has to be with a drug for one, since he talks about it a few times before and two, it's his backup if he screws up or not. The last verse is some sort of image in a hospital where he's searching for help. So the song is about his fame and heroin addiction; his sign to the people is fighting for help in the last verse, so damn good. I should start writing things like that, just to relate to people and prove to myself I'm good at something... Anyways, if you want the song IM me. There's so much more to say about this song, it's almost perfectly written even though there's no such thing. Wait for the next post to explain this, "Do you miss me, Miss Misery, like you say you do?"

Law of Conservation of Matter

Law of conservation of matter: a fundamental principle of classical physics that matter cannot be created or destroyed in an isolated system. Another source states: The total quantity of matter and energy available in the universe is a fixed amount and never any more or less.

After thinking about this "Law" during chemistry class, I think I've come to a "conclusion" about it.
If matter is neither created nor destroyed, how did it come about in the first place? In the big bang, our universe was created with a simple two letter word, "Be!". It had to be then where the law was void and everything was created, and I'm sure it still goes on today even as I write. Think about it, isn't it interesting? It makes sense to me now. How do these new species of animals and strains of virus come about? God has to be the only thing with enough power to be able to break and bend any physical, etc. kind of law, since he invented them all; I'm sure he must be doing it now. A tick is the one kind of animal that I can only think of right now off the top of my head as an animal that "came out of nowhere." Well it did right? There's a lot of other things that seem to me to disprove this theory, I mean, just type "new species" in Google, search and see what comes up.

This one guy from Slashdot, as well as many other brainwashed people believe in Evolution as the "clearly logical" belief of how life came apart,
"Psssssssst....just because you believe in Creation doesn't mean you can't believe in microevolution and evolution within species, especially since we've actually been able to witness it in observation of existing species." Haha, witness it in observation of existing species? What, they just mutate before your eyes? Nope... Or what's funnier,
"Well yeah, it does. Microevolution inevitably leads to macroevolution and therefore species splits. This too, we have observed and documented. Creationists just refuse to acknowledge. That's what is fun to laugh at."Observed and documented, nice choice of words haha...
I see some creationists here as well,
"Next time please talk about something you understand. Here it is in a nutshell. God's original creation was perfect. Sin entered through Adam and Eve's disobediance. God then cursed all creation as punishment.(Genesis 3:14-24) Things like disease and your worm are a direct result of that curse."
The only thing I don't like about Christianity is just how it's able to be criticised,
"Now remember, my child, Everything would've been hunky-dory, except I told you to stay away from the cookie jar and you didn't, so now I have to punish and torture you every day for the rest of your life.
Man, what a great and loving parent.
Incidentally, on the subject of Genesis, which of the two contradictory creation stories would be the correct one?"
This next quote is definitely the reason Christianity is being criticised all the time,
"The bible was written 100-200 years after the death of Jesus, from third party accounts. And has since gone through hundreds of revision by different sects hoping to gain more control through its teachings. What we see now is nothing of the true teachings of Jesus, whom I do believe was a real man. Faith should not make you ignorant to reality as it seems to do with so many people. How can you be content believing in something that just simply doesn't make sense? Faith should help you understand the truth and appreciate the perfect complexities therein. It should expand your mind, not close you off to reality. If your content believing in fairy tails, then that's fine, that's how you chose to manifest your faith...(the end is his personal opinion, not needed.)"
I completely agree, too many people think of Faith as some sort of prison or sort-of evil of believing in things that "make no sense." Well, from third party accounts and much revisions, you'd expect inaccuracies and contradictions. So Islam is God's final present to the people because he tells them to not tamper with it At All, so they didn't and it is still the most beautiful, intellectual book ever created and is simply so great it's not reproducible in its power. Also, it still is giving our oh so genius race new discoveries even after having been written 1400 years prior to these discoveries. Do you think this future telling comes around by Chance? It can't, everything else is so perfect throughout the book and this future telling is another good reason to believe. Why is this truth so hard to find for many people? I've probably been guided to the websites I've visited, that's something weird for me to think about. I do have to say though, I'm very grateful and happy. Since I figured this all out I don't think I've ever been truly sad, because there's no reason to be. I think I'm acing our great "test." It's not over though, I want to write a whole lot before I die. To start my own brance of science,"irfology" haha. I'd have to thank Mr. Chard, My 8th grade science teacher for that one. Well, that's my reflection for you.

Normality

I'm different, you would know that by reading everything else I've written. Nothing's wrong with me, but I feel like there is something. I'm normally quiet and don't talk at all unless spoken to. I don't really have questions. I know what I want to know, but as much as I want to be different I want to be normal too like everyone else. Always talking in groups, huddles, about anything. There's always that want to be normal, although I wouldn't trade what I know now for it. It's too hard to "improve my personality" and be more talkative with kids I know. I think I'm pretty nice to strangers, I can easily strike up a conversation, I think, with someone I don't know but it won't last very long. If the other person talks that's all that would keep it going, I only wish to be like that sometime even though I really can't... I can talk a lot over the internet, and be "deeper"(like the emos, haha so sad they just whine about everything...) or actually be deep at all, because I think of my computer as some friend or secret diary that I can trust and tell it how I feel. I guess that's what this is, a secret diary. I only hope someone sees this--the same way people look at websites of someones diary only to figure out at the end they commited suicide-- and is moved by it sooner or later by what I've written. When I think about things like that, I try to think about when I die. Will I be idolized and greater in death than life? Or will I be completely forgotten and not be "figured out", like the other 2000 kids that commit suicide in this country and be just a statistic? I do know though I would never commit suicide, if you've read you would know. What's sad is how these kids who are just like me ask questions like I do, but haven't been able to anwer them convincingly and convert to atheism or what-not... So now I sit and think about my future: Will I have one? Will I be important in any way? It's just weird, I feel like I have nothing to live for. I definitely won't be able to be in love, im too... me. Maybe I'm not mature enough or something because I feel weird thinking about doing it, with another human. When I think about other humans I consider everyone family in a way, so it's just not possible to really love someone, let alone, do it. Unlike most people, I don't care about doing it and probably don't expect to, my hormones are controlled in some way I don't really know how. I think of myself as innocent in this world while everyone else is doing things, so if I do end up doing it, I would have less self esteem or something and would want to keep my innocence. I love being innocent, like a baby, there's nothing more beautiful than seeing a baby try to walk, talk, eat, move, or even live. They're so innocent and it feels like perfection in its purest form. It's 11:23 now so I want to go to sleep "early", I'll be on tomorrow I suppose, it's Friday why not, where else would I be?... Just to talk about next post: College, life, whatever else pops up. No quotes this time, have to sleep quick.

Birthday

It's my birthday, finally. I've had this bad headache all day and it's not a present I wanted. What's good though is that I recieved 200 dollars for being born, it was nice, since you know I'll be saving it for the system fund. I can't wait to get my license even though I don't really drive much or that well yet, I really need practice. The back of my eye is where it really hurts. Sinus problems are so worthless, although I guess we still need the feeling of reality and how weak and small we really are compared to the universe once in a while... This headache is rough. I have homework or I have a bed to sleep in, let's see which one I pick.

Back with fact

Wow, It's already May 7th. I'm finally finished with my AP and SAT exams and I don't know what to do with myself. My life feels complete I mean, your whole life people have been telling you, "Do well on those SATs kids" all the time. My whole life leads up to this landmark point, now that I'm done with it and it feels like there's nothing else to do. I only hope I did well in it, I think I owned the math section, but don't think the verbal was good. Now it's about 4:30 on a saturday... I should be out or something, staying inside too long is a really bad experience. I want to drive, see the world, meet new people, do whatever I want. Freedom is good.

Now, back to the "homosexual gene", even though I am muslim it's hard to believe there may very well be one. So what I want to say is that this world is a test as we all know, we have overwhelming evidence that a God does exist and because of that, I'm more likely to follow what He says. Now, as we all know there are alcoholism genes as well, even if the Qu'ran forbids drinking, the genes are there; now maybe as well a gay gene may be found, whatever the case. You have to understand this world is a test. Even if there are genes, some things canbe controlled. This is the case with alcoholism and homosexuality and whatever else influences personality. We can change those and choose what we want, that's very true. If you're gay you could have sex women too, it's not like your banned from them! So, this is how I feel. There has to be a God, the evidence is there use your eyes, this world is too perfect to be created by chance. I deny darwinism on that fact, this world's perfection gleaming everywhere straight down to the smallest units, atoms and cells. Human personality may not be perfect, but it's part of the test. So think about it, there's so much evidence. The perfect ratio's of gasses in the air, perfect orbit around the sun(if we were any closer we would fry; any further and we'd freeze), the perfection in animals themselves(some butterflies look almost exactly like a leaf, straight down to the vessels, how can you argue with that?!), water freezes from the top down not bottom up like every other liquid(to support life, for a reason!), Just even look at ourselves! How could "chance" be so great to create our brains when we can't even understand how they work yet with all of our technology/power? It had to be created! How about our eyes? They can only function as a whole, not in parts, if the eye doesn't lubricate itself with tears it will eventually go blind. Think about that, evolution takes millions of years, an eye going blind because of no-tears is maybe a few days or few weeks. So every part had to be created all in one shot because it's impossible for the eye to work without its subsystems. What about our immune system as well? Without it we'd be dead in a short amount of time, evolution takes it's millions of years, there's no way we could stay alive for that to happen! What about our heart and lungs? The heart cannot survive for more than a minute without the lungs, you think it could happen in a million years? Every new species, or disease we find is created. What do you think about the new strain of AIDS, "super aids" , which is immune to almost all drugs. It's for a reason: Stop having gay sex. New animals? What about the Tick? Lyme's was discovered not too long ago, and I know myself how annoying those little things can be, it's unbelievable. It's like you can't camp out anymore or you'll get one.

This is only a small list of things that show how perfect everything is. There's so much more evidence, look around. Have you ever wondered how beavers were such great engineers? Guess who taught them. Some termites as well show how this teaching is especially true. The first part of this "amazingness" is that these special termite's are BLIND, however, they manage to build mini-skyscrapers with amazing design: Special chambers for the young, fungus production fields and the queen's chamber are only a few of the sections in a termite nest. More importantly, there is a special ventilation system. They need this humid air because their skin is very thin. Without proper regulation, these termites would die. But how could blind termites know these kinds of things? Where to place the vents, or chambers? They can't see anything, how? You see? It all makes sense, even if you try to hide from it the truth is there. I was an atheist too like some of you, and being one is very ignorant. But I know why I was an atheist now, I had no proof, probably went to the wrong websites where others used their own propaganda to support it. I'm pretty damn lucky to figure this all out and now as the sun shines down into my room I think: "it all makes sense." Just like the idea that we as humans are all equal under God, there is no heirarchy like in the Catholic church, which has been changed enough times by humans and not really, I believe, a "valid" religion. I mean it's just because it's been fiddled with so much by men but, as long as you are monotheistic, you should be able to get into heaven, no gurantee's though. That depends on how you act and what your beliefs are in this wonderful "exam" of ours.

So even if you think you are gay, an alcoholic, or whatever you can change and you probably should change routes and follow the right path. Be it Islam, Judaism, Christianity, or whatever form of monotheism. Just be sure you have the evidence to back yourself up, as I have, and keep learning and going the right way. Well it's been fun, I'm going to read soon and research more.

"In the long run, evil in the extreme will be the end of those who do evil. For that they rejected the signs of Allah and held them up to ridicule." (Qur'an, 30:10)