love - death - american beauty

Thanksgiving...
Weird day today I guess. After this one moment tonight I had to think a lot about what someone said. However insignificant the gesture may be, it really made me think. If it sounds goofy, well, so be it. Fearless isn't the word, yet, you see. Anyway, my family and I went to my uncle's home in Wilton today and all of that good stuff. The part I want to talk about is when I was just sitting in the car talking to Semso about stuff when Nevzeta, my other cousin, comes in. I'm not sure what she said exactly but she was asking him about his love life and how wild he must be with the women. Semso was a little embarrassed or whatever and said, "Oh man you don't know Irf, he's wild as hell with the ladies." I laughed, but saw Nevzeta look at me with some sort of... disgust. It was really subtle, you can't tell these kinds of things unless you know her. But oh not Irfan, he couldn't possibly be human... After that it was a little awkard for like five seconds then she left. It's like Semso is supposed to be some special amazing guy, everyone always has comments like that about him it's amazing. I could never be jealous, that's just fuckin stupid, it's just life and my family.

Because of that encounter I was thinking about my future and whatever else came to my mind. Marriage or my love life was the first thing on my mind. I've always thought I would be the best boyfriend any woman could dream about, except I'm not dumb nor am I the fake image most women want: tough. When I mean tough I'm talking about the stereotypical type of guy that women love. I'm really intimate, I guess. For some reason as much as women beg for some guy that knows how to treat them right, they never end up liking the guy. Whatever, good for you, go get beat up and enjoy your partner's toughness; it's really "attractive."

When I think about marriage and what-not I can think of myself in a few scenarios when I'm older. My first idea is to be the ideal Irfan and be some good looking single guy who "dates" a lot of women. The second idea that sticks is being married and happy, the storybook ending with fireworks at the end. The third idea is the most depressing: to never get married or do anything.
I dream about the first idea sometimes, but I would have a hard time being that person.

The second ending is beautiful I'm sure for the first few years, so I think about the investment bankers on Wall Street.

Personally, I'm fine with being lonely in the third one. I've been that way my whole life and it's quite easy to stay the way I've always been. Sometimes, my family asks when I'll get married and sometimes I say, "Never." to see what they say. I know Nevzeta can disagree quite easily with that one, from what I know I'm guessing she loves it. But I know they'll probably grow bored. If there's anything I'd want it would be to find out some method to stay in love with someone forever. However that may be, that should somehow prove that there is no such thing as true love. There is no "one" that you search for your whole life. Just two things: your heart and mind. It's weird, I'm in love with so many women at the moment. My heart is so easy. I don't consider myself a Casanova, but I can't tell if I would be happy going through with it with all of them or not. Sure, my hormones think so, but what about my superego? So therein lies the problem, should I go all-out or all-in? Most of the advice I hear is something like, "Have a lot of fun and then settle down with some virgin chick." But dude, that's such a bullshit idea. I could believe in something like Eddie Murphy said on "Raw" back in the eighties. You know, about doing whatever you want "and settling down with someone that's just as fucked up as you are." It sounds fair enough, but that's still not enough reason for me to have fun. I know my dad would say some shit like, "What happens there stays there." Because his mind works differently and he's unhappy. I don't understand how you can be such a bastard. Am I the only person that thinks this way? What the hell do I do? I only hope the answer finds me before I find a wrong answer. But maybe there is no answer, you know. Maybe you just do whatever you like. There's no set path to happiness so there probably isn't a set path for love. For some reason I feel like the third path is the only open one and it might regretably lead me to the first option. True love is something that takes place in your mind, not your heart. Your heart just does its job by keeping you alive and giving you the funny feelings when you do love someone. What's the point of explaining these feelings that others have been trying to for thousands of years.

Love
...Is
......Just
.........Complicated.
(Ignore the periods, Blogger has bad formatting. It's from a poem.)

And beautiful. Deep down, I really feel like the second option will come through. I'll figure it out sooner or later.

Today after the feast I watched American Beauty today which played a part in inspiring me to write this. The movie is so weird it's great. I love the double entendre of "American Beauty" and now I know why my English teacher, Sujay Desai, loved it. Two years later from when I actually had his classes. Wow. You should just watch it for yourself. Don't limit yourself, "Man, oh man. Man, oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man."

As a side accessory here's some lyrics to this song I've been listening to literally for the past few days over and over. Zero 7 - In the waiting line

" Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe
In what you see

Everyone's saying different things to me
Different things to me
Different things to me
Different things to me
Different things to me
Everyone's taking everything they can
Everything they can"