Breathe.

I wish my breathing wasn't so restricting. I wish I could be somebody else. People are always looking for greener grass on the other side, always looking for something "more."

I remember when I was "happy," when I went out to clubs every other weekend, when I didn't prohibit myself from the excesses of myself. Drunk and "happy." I don't have the strength for that anymore. I don't have strength for anything anymore.

I'm trying to figure out who I am: I don't know anymore. I used to be somebody else.

I used to be a fun loving, free, jolly, and adorable...

Now, I'm a monster: Insecure, irrational, preoccupied with bullshit, judgmental...

I disgust myself. I hate myself. I hate what I've done. I hate what I've been. I hate where I think I'm going. I hate. I hate hate.

Nothing matters. I don't matter. My opinions of myself don't matter. Others' opinions of me don't matter. Life goes on.

The only important question right now is: what do I do about this? How do I go about loving myself again? How do I change?

Well what was different? Why was I happy before? I was carefree, worry free... I was free, in the truest sense. Now, the tides have waned, the tables have turned. What the hell do I do? In the back of my mind the solution is elucidated: change your perspective. Just "think" differently, and it will all be different. I don't know why that doesn't seem to work. I think I'm expecting something else, something like God to come out of his imaginary home in my cerebral cortex and free me. I don't know why, I have this feeling it should be done for me, that I shouldn't have to work for it. Why the hell not?

I think... I've grown too dependent. Instead of thinking and following through with my thoughts or explanations of things, I'm expecting somebody else to free me because I place them higher on the superiority ladder than myself. I've always thought my opinions are stupid, so I go with the flow, I just play along in my stupidity... I say stupid things a lot more often than I used to. In a sense, I've come to expect somebody to correct me, I've convinced myself, "I'm always wrong." Often, I am wrong, however, there's this aura I feel... an insecurity in my self. Why bother making opinions? I could have somebody better tell me what to do.

I'm in love... and it's been knocking me sideways. I've changed, and I don't know why or how -- I just have. It's changed me from a freedom loving and jolly person to one that's possessive and judgmental -- something I'm not accustomed to, but I've been growing into. I've been getting ahead of myself. I've come to believe that I deserve nothing less than the best. I don't deserve shit, however, that attitude, I think, has been integral in that change. That selfishness has been molding my opinions, and shaping my personality for a while now.

I've been so "happy," although I haven't been looking at the "big picture." I've turned mistakes into conflicts. I've blown events out of proportion, all in order to soothe my greedy, selfish, desires. I wanted revenge, I wanted people to feel the "burn." The better part of me, for whatever reason, never stood up to deny these thoughts from being realized, from being acted upon. The better part of me has been in hiding, it's been beaten up and told to sit down. These feelings, they get the best of people... people as seemingly invulnerable as Harvey Dent. Hate and revenge are such natural feelings, they bottle themselves up and poison idle minds... they poison curious, racing, insecure, minds...

What do I do? The best thing to do, I suppose, is to acknowledge the fact that I've been bested, that although I've been so positive for so long, I've fallen. Acknowledgment is the first step, similar to the four steps of mourning. I've fallen. I'm only human. The only option I see now is to pick myself up and change. It's beneficial to change course, to change directions, when you're driving the wrong way. This is where I'm at now. I'm taking a U-turn, and coming back, to follow the right road, the correct path, to go where I want to go. I know where I am, and where I'm going. So, go.