Normality

I'm different, you would know that by reading everything else I've written. Nothing's wrong with me, but I feel like there is something. I'm normally quiet and don't talk at all unless spoken to. I don't really have questions. I know what I want to know, but as much as I want to be different I want to be normal too like everyone else. Always talking in groups, huddles, about anything. There's always that want to be normal, although I wouldn't trade what I know now for it. It's too hard to "improve my personality" and be more talkative with kids I know. I think I'm pretty nice to strangers, I can easily strike up a conversation, I think, with someone I don't know but it won't last very long. If the other person talks that's all that would keep it going, I only wish to be like that sometime even though I really can't... I can talk a lot over the internet, and be "deeper"(like the emos, haha so sad they just whine about everything...) or actually be deep at all, because I think of my computer as some friend or secret diary that I can trust and tell it how I feel. I guess that's what this is, a secret diary. I only hope someone sees this--the same way people look at websites of someones diary only to figure out at the end they commited suicide-- and is moved by it sooner or later by what I've written. When I think about things like that, I try to think about when I die. Will I be idolized and greater in death than life? Or will I be completely forgotten and not be "figured out", like the other 2000 kids that commit suicide in this country and be just a statistic? I do know though I would never commit suicide, if you've read you would know. What's sad is how these kids who are just like me ask questions like I do, but haven't been able to anwer them convincingly and convert to atheism or what-not... So now I sit and think about my future: Will I have one? Will I be important in any way? It's just weird, I feel like I have nothing to live for. I definitely won't be able to be in love, im too... me. Maybe I'm not mature enough or something because I feel weird thinking about doing it, with another human. When I think about other humans I consider everyone family in a way, so it's just not possible to really love someone, let alone, do it. Unlike most people, I don't care about doing it and probably don't expect to, my hormones are controlled in some way I don't really know how. I think of myself as innocent in this world while everyone else is doing things, so if I do end up doing it, I would have less self esteem or something and would want to keep my innocence. I love being innocent, like a baby, there's nothing more beautiful than seeing a baby try to walk, talk, eat, move, or even live. They're so innocent and it feels like perfection in its purest form. It's 11:23 now so I want to go to sleep "early", I'll be on tomorrow I suppose, it's Friday why not, where else would I be?... Just to talk about next post: College, life, whatever else pops up. No quotes this time, have to sleep quick.