Infinity

Do I believe in a God as necessarily existing somehow, as if in infinity? Possibly. Heaven? Not so much. I think the way this universe is structured it's providing all life a glimpse at the infinite power, to the point where as Einstein had once mused, did God even have a choice in creating it? Influenced now by some of Kant's thoughts on the subject lead me to reflect upon my limited scope of understanding anything in general, the thoughts espoused by Kant my mind processes the information as if a key were churning. I can't avoid the thought of the universe based on a statistico-deterministic foundation, having read Schrodinger's "What is Life?". This planet is so widely varied within itself among the amazing and complex varieties of languages, art, music, etc. The statistico part of the equation is so powerful in regard to the size of a single life form, I can't help but imagine that every other form of intelligent life must follow the same pattern. Imagine if Dinosaurs roamed the Earth, what other kinds of miraculous life roam among us in this universe? Don't imagine it like a Star-Trek film, imagine actual life forms actually existing, necessarily existing by relation to us as we all share the same gradual organizing principle of evolution, my faculty of fantasy pales in its inability to imagine the infinitely powerful essence as it presents itself to us, in the most important fashion: size.

The God of most terrestrial religions are small Gods, concerned with the fates of its humanly subjects. The God of Spinoza is truly great, as it gives us another reason to cite evidence for its supreme energy and power. Best of all, here it is, in a system, for you to discover and to come to know me in this immensely difficult task. Having been born ignorant is one thing, but remaining in ignorance is truly destitution. Religion's worship of "perfect" books, i.e., the Bible or Quran is almost like idolatry in comparison to the God beyond that of Earth, the God of this masterful exposition of its qualifications. Religion at its current state will continue to influence the state of the world for many years to come, however I think sooner or later they will be outdated and remembered as fragments of our struggling for spiritual freedom. I think religion will eventually move away from its organized and dogmatic origins and transcend into something more suitable, something individualized as opposed to being institutionalized. For that reason I make a distinction between religion and God: the religions of the world may be said to praise "the God of Earth," while the all-powerful author may be referred to as "the God of the actually existing Universe."

The Hubble telescope is reportedly only capable of observing approximately 80 billion galaxies. Imagine further, if you could, that by the time civilization reaches the ability to peer even further through the universe, that as this newly minted capacity is developed, the 80 billion we currently observe bears the same relationship in size as we do to itself as it does with this newly observable universe, for dramatic effect. How wild my imagination runs in fantasizing the life forms occupying the many other galaxies of the universe. Knowing my inability to even comprehend its magnitude amounts to evidence in favor of the powerfulness of its essence, as if to introduce us to this world and reflect upon its greatness and the greatness of its creator, what better proof can God give of his power than setting up the world in such a way that we are so poorly incapable of even picturing it. We can't even see beyond the measly limits of telescopes! My mind faulters in its processing of fantasies, for even the wildest of them are unable to fully comprehend the nature of our existence. When I think of heaven, my mind says, who needs it? This place is where its at. For the funny fact of the matter is that we also live in a world so big it is possible to eek one's existence away in a corner of the world without even the slightest conception of relativity between the universe and their respective positions. To them, this world is massive as it is, and in my travels I easily came to that conclusion.

The world is so massive you'll never get to know most of the other people that inhabit it. How stunningly remarkable! The absolute immensity of existence is scarily evident at all levels! I'm unable to even conceptualize 6 billion other fellow human beings, nevermind the rest of the universe--my goodness! How I would love to know how a type 3 civilization(Kardashev scale) operates! What sorts of energy acquirement technology and engineering necessary to process it for civilizational needs. How absolutely mind-blowing the thought. I have no reason to envy anybody for anything, because it's a petty trait, but oh how I envy those who will participate in such a civilization. Your reality is my imagination, and although the chances are this message wouldn't reach them since it's in English and from the silly little planet Earth among other in the Milky Way galaxy, it wouldn't last long enough on its own even as an idea that could be transmitted memetically through time, there are so many conditionalities and I highly doubt on the basis of probability they'll all ever be fulfilled.

I wish I could know, but hey, the sensation of incomprehensibility keeps me more than satisfied. Our brains are so poorly constrained we can barely understand usually no more than 2 of the great many languages derived among humanity. Imagine that, being able to apreciate the poetical verses in their beautiful and varied ways, my mind struggles even to know a fraction of the information this great planet has on it. Here I'll share one I've been interested in lately,



Zu Spinozas Ethic

Wie lieb ich diesen edlen Mann
Mehr als ich mit Worten sagen kann.
Doch fuercht’ ich, dass er bleibt allein
Mit seinem strahlenden Heiligenschein.

So einem armen kleinen Wicht
Den fuehrst Du zu der Freiheit nicht.
Der amor dei laesst ihn kalt
Das Leben zieht ihn mit Gewalt.

Die Hoehe bringt ihm nichts als Frost
Vernunft ist fuer ihn schale Kost.
Besitz und Weib und Ehr’ und Haus
Das fuellt ihn vom oben bis unten aus.

Du musst schon guetig mir verzeihn
Wenn hier mir fellt Muenchhausen ein,
Dem als Einzigen das Kunststueck gediehn
Sich am eigenen Zopf aus dem Sumpf zu zieh’n.

Du denkst sein Beispiel zeigt uns eben
Was diese Lehre den Menschen kann geben.
Mein lieben Sohn, was faellt dir ein?
Zum Nachtigall muss man geboren sein!
Vertraue nicht dem troestlichen Schein:
Zum Erhabenen muss man geboren sein.

Spring arrival

Another interlude, another day; insouciant blossoms exude in perennial Arcadian fray. Beatitude in existence, forsooth, is buttressed by its decay.

"My Brother, my poor Brothers, it is thus;
This life itself holds nothing good for us,
But ends soon and nevermore can be;
And we knew nothing of it ere our birth,
And shall know nothing when consigned to earth:
I ponder these thoughts and they comfort me."

"A discerning one might easily regard himself at present as the animalisation of God." -Nietzsche

I've been thinking.

Breathe.

I wish my breathing wasn't so restricting. I wish I could be somebody else. People are always looking for greener grass on the other side, always looking for something "more."

I remember when I was "happy," when I went out to clubs every other weekend, when I didn't prohibit myself from the excesses of myself. Drunk and "happy." I don't have the strength for that anymore. I don't have strength for anything anymore.

I'm trying to figure out who I am: I don't know anymore. I used to be somebody else.

I used to be a fun loving, free, jolly, and adorable...

Now, I'm a monster: Insecure, irrational, preoccupied with bullshit, judgmental...

I disgust myself. I hate myself. I hate what I've done. I hate what I've been. I hate where I think I'm going. I hate. I hate hate.

Nothing matters. I don't matter. My opinions of myself don't matter. Others' opinions of me don't matter. Life goes on.

The only important question right now is: what do I do about this? How do I go about loving myself again? How do I change?

Well what was different? Why was I happy before? I was carefree, worry free... I was free, in the truest sense. Now, the tides have waned, the tables have turned. What the hell do I do? In the back of my mind the solution is elucidated: change your perspective. Just "think" differently, and it will all be different. I don't know why that doesn't seem to work. I think I'm expecting something else, something like God to come out of his imaginary home in my cerebral cortex and free me. I don't know why, I have this feeling it should be done for me, that I shouldn't have to work for it. Why the hell not?

I think... I've grown too dependent. Instead of thinking and following through with my thoughts or explanations of things, I'm expecting somebody else to free me because I place them higher on the superiority ladder than myself. I've always thought my opinions are stupid, so I go with the flow, I just play along in my stupidity... I say stupid things a lot more often than I used to. In a sense, I've come to expect somebody to correct me, I've convinced myself, "I'm always wrong." Often, I am wrong, however, there's this aura I feel... an insecurity in my self. Why bother making opinions? I could have somebody better tell me what to do.

I'm in love... and it's been knocking me sideways. I've changed, and I don't know why or how -- I just have. It's changed me from a freedom loving and jolly person to one that's possessive and judgmental -- something I'm not accustomed to, but I've been growing into. I've been getting ahead of myself. I've come to believe that I deserve nothing less than the best. I don't deserve shit, however, that attitude, I think, has been integral in that change. That selfishness has been molding my opinions, and shaping my personality for a while now.

I've been so "happy," although I haven't been looking at the "big picture." I've turned mistakes into conflicts. I've blown events out of proportion, all in order to soothe my greedy, selfish, desires. I wanted revenge, I wanted people to feel the "burn." The better part of me, for whatever reason, never stood up to deny these thoughts from being realized, from being acted upon. The better part of me has been in hiding, it's been beaten up and told to sit down. These feelings, they get the best of people... people as seemingly invulnerable as Harvey Dent. Hate and revenge are such natural feelings, they bottle themselves up and poison idle minds... they poison curious, racing, insecure, minds...

What do I do? The best thing to do, I suppose, is to acknowledge the fact that I've been bested, that although I've been so positive for so long, I've fallen. Acknowledgment is the first step, similar to the four steps of mourning. I've fallen. I'm only human. The only option I see now is to pick myself up and change. It's beneficial to change course, to change directions, when you're driving the wrong way. This is where I'm at now. I'm taking a U-turn, and coming back, to follow the right road, the correct path, to go where I want to go. I know where I am, and where I'm going. So, go.

In between.

Love isn't for me, you see. 

The birds, fly free; 

The deer, roam free; 

Human adults, are free; 

But, see, love isn't for me.

Is this because of me? 

What did I do wrong? You never make any sense!

Sometimes "sense" needs to be felt to be understood.

Falsehoods are justified by a self-appointed priesthood.

Alcohol and leather cooperate better than words would. 

My love is reclusive, imprisoned, unfree,

My feelings are pensive, yet spread like the breadth of a tree.

Love isn't for me, don't you see?

One hundred fifty.

My 150th post. yey!

I'll start with love yet again, although the premise of this thought has interesting implications. I've been thinking about the mechanics of relationships and the interesting properties humans seem to attribute with them. This idea that came to me might be able to explain problems associated with relationships however, "self-actualized" people would probably benefit the most from the insights.

"Love" between two people, assuming it's "real" and not developed through any hostile or cruel intentions, is an experience of wondrous proportions. The feeling of highs and lows associated with life are much more sensitive and are sources of great joy or sorrow. What is it about love that may change one's sensitivity to such things? My idea, my answer, is that it might have to do with the connection between two people. It might have an explanation in the idea of possession, to be specific. 

Walking through convenience stores you'll probably come across the gift card section filled with cute looking images, vibrant colors, and witty sayings. "You're mine." is a perfect example, or even the counter, "I'm yours." They express a deep attachment, a mutual understanding; it's as if they're agreeing, "I'm your property and you're mine." Well, what significance does this have? 

Property is an abstract idea. It's the foundation of Western philosophy and law. When applied to love, as it does in life with tangible things, problems arise when "love" isn't mutually agreed upon by all parties including third parties. When "claims of ownership" are challenged conflicts arise. In these cases feelings of sorrow are common, and painful. Who's going to solve the problem? 

In my case my possessiveness kept me from thinking positively. Although I understood there was a mutual agreement, I couldn't accept it out of selfishness. Instead of giving praise I gave mean looks. Back then I felt like it was an insult, a conspiracy or a game, to "mess around with my love." Looking back I see it had nothing to do with me, it was a natural expression of love, and I should have been more understanding. I learned a lot. I had put a value on sex, as some sort of transcendent, holy, thing, as opposed to what it really is. That was my biggest mistake, and I can only blame my virginity and wasted youth on that. 

I don't know how I should value virginity, to some it's a curse and to others it's a blessing. I guess it all comes down to what you believe metaphysically. The way I see the world now, I wish it wasn't so hard. The idea of saving yourself for someone you love is cute, but many people don't care for that. Who's right? I guess they're just preferences. 

Free love is something I've gained a lot of respect for because of that, it only makes sense especially under the anarchic principles I subscribe to. Love is something that should reign as freely and fully as it wants to. After all, there are more than six billion people on earth; the idea of "the one" is silly. If your soulmate happened to live in the most remote part of the planet and you don't find him/her, have you failed as a human being? No. There is no  predetermined "one," there are only people. Some people you may like more than others because of their personality or whatever else. If there's something that might be similar to the "one," that I think is actually better, it would be the person you're most comfortable with.

The peak experience of rock bottom.

Sometimes I wonder about things, a lot of things. I still struggle with my appearance, my somewhat reticent personality. Sometimes I wish I could be different, that I didn't look this way, that perhaps I could be normal; and not an eccentric.

Some people say being normal is bland, I'd agree, I suppose. I love what I am inside, but to most people that's of little significance. All that matters are the "did u meet n e cute boyz?" or the adage, "yo pussy is pussy man." I guess that's all that really does matter, in the context of... the universe. Really. Why should I hold back, why should I be reticent, why should I be me? We're all going to die, and not only that, our kids are all going to die too, and furthermore, our species will likely be added to the ever growing list of the extinct. Even if we do venture into space, how far can we get? What does it matter to me? Shouldn't I be concerned with the well being of future generations? It sounds nice, but does it really matter? Life is misery, and nature is a merciless son of a bitch.

Why am I even writing? Who gives a shit? I'd like to tell myself somebody's going to discover this and maybe something great will come out of it, but deep down I know it won't. These thoughts, this stream of consciousness, of what use is it? This nihilism oozes, and like my writing, it stinks. Teachers always pretend, "you've got some great ideas but you need to work on your execution!" All I have are ideas; for all I know they're shitty too. I can't express myself, I can't do shit.

I wish it wasn't like this. I remember telling my brother, "you are everything you hate," in response to something stupid he said. I can't help but wonder, am I everything I hate? Low self-esteem, unattractive, all that good stuff. I feel like I'm losing my connection with reality. I should, it helps. It keeps me down to earth because when I end up floating away, I look around. I look up. I see myself in the stars, I see you, I see it all. What does it matter what I look like? We're all coming back home, to nothing, sooner or later. The organic molecules the earthworms might take from my body will be recycled, to be used in the development of even more marvelous life.

I can't change what I am. This connectedness I feel from my different experiences brings me peace. I need to open up, to experience life more fully, before time runs out. I feel love resonate inside, it's best to set it free, to let it fly freely. I know why my caged bird sings. A peak experience if I've ever had one.

Just Be.

It's about time.

There's something great between lovers,
Something with which I can't compare.
The way you interact, the way emotions flare,
Sometimes the only thing I can do is stare.

I'm not out to make the rhythm smooth,
Or the bumpy road soothe.

Perhaps this isn't mutual, I would then understand.
As in life, and with love, the supply is less than the demand.

I'm not special, and I'm haunted.
I can see why I'm never wanted.

Being special isn't all it's made out to be.

My best guess: it's my personality,
My lack of irresistibility.
I don't exactly carry an aura of likability.

I battle with the yes/no questions... every single day. That committee meeting in my head thinks of putting in as much effort as you did. It kills me, but I try to explain to myself it shouldn't... I don't know how to respond to my feelings. It's a battle that never ends.

I still battle the animal, the primal instinct. He's a fucking douche-bag. But what if it isn't the animal? What if that's all an extension of my self? Oh, how depressing and cynical this all sounds... God I feel like shit. I'm sick of writing like this, sick of myself, sick of what I am, what I'm not, what I could or couldn't be.

The only thing I've been telling myself lately is that nothing matters. That's how I justify things. And you know what? It works. It keeps me sane. We could, actually we will, all end up like the dinosaurs one day, so you know what? Do whatever the fuck feels right, whatever makes you happy. Do anything and everything. And you know what? These ideas make me happier, they keep me going.

It's about holding on; it's about letting go. I feel like I can't let go. It's not like me to give up. I can take a beating until I'm on the ground and made to beg for submission. That's the way I am. I figure I almost always find a way around most problems I've ever had. And now, the only solution that comes up is to let go of this dependency, because it's not working out. I'm not dependent on alcohol or anything else to keep my moods up(or down) and I can't be dependent on you, it hurts. It really comes down to what I can rationalize to keep me moving. I try to love my self because I guess in the end, "you are all you ever really have." Now, mind you, there's a massive difference between letting go and being dependent. I could be independent and decide to 'let go or hold on', but I can't be dependent and 'let go'.

What does it all come down to? Time, I suppose. Everything seems to come down to that. Time to pass until school starts, time to pass until the semester is over, time to pass until school is 'finally over!1!', and full circle. If there's one thing I've come to realize, something that makes the most sense, but is the most difficult for me to adopt; it would be to enjoy every moment as life passes you by. Make the most with what you have, a sort of universal optimist outlook. Get over yourself, Irfan. That's what keeps me moving. A teacher in high school used to work on Wall Street, and the theme of his class was: "Life isn't fair. Get used to it." That's what I've been trying to accept, and I suppose I will.

I'm free. I love saying that.

The Ruiner

I am pure, unadulterated evil. I did not know this until recently.
I am selfish, crude, and irrational; with no sense of decency.

I am an odious tormentor; all I deserve is destitution.
For I am the Ruiner; and all I ask for is retribution.

If I need to hate someone, I know to look no further.
Words cut like guillotines, and I'm the executioner.

These new feelings; I cannot explain.
Insights are revealing; it'll never be the same.

I don't deserve you, nor do I deserve a second, or first, chance.
I am the issue. Eureka! this is fortuitous happenstance.

What's left of my heart understands,
These secret fibers, these vindictive strands,
Will never allow me to appreciate holding your hands.

I can't accept forgiveness; I know I don't deserve it.
Take my apologies for what they're worth; I know I'm not worth it.

Curious

Bees buzzing, hiving my head.
Hold onto something, don't look dead.
Kasno nam je,
Daleko nam je.

Songs are blazing,
Over the horizon,
Humans impulsively razing,
Accompanied by brazen,
Horns and Drums,
Dutifully Praising.

Planet Earth turns,
O, look at how it spins,
O, imagine how all the bright lights twirl,
From an ocean of marbles: life unfurls,
O, I can't keep up...

My soul,
Held hostage,
To salvage,
What's left?

Am I free?
Broken,
Condemned,
Unable to,
Transcend.
Perception,
I wish to rend.
Everything,
Is determined.
I hide to mend,
Having been,
To my chagrin,
Strewn and Torn,
Wayworn from scorn,
Awaiting Gabriel's horn.

Stranded on rocks in space,
Is there a point to this place?
Mighty sunbeams kiss my face:
Effulgence of Agape Embrace;
Smiling, Enamored by its Grace.

We head back...
Back from whence we came,
Look at how they shine!
Look at you!

Jer ja nisam sistem.

“Ако неко мисли да ће зауставити спровођење закона тиме што ће мене уклонити онда се грдно вара, јер ја нисам систем. Систем ће функционисати и даље и нико неће добити амнестију за злочине тако што ће уклонити једног или два функционера државе.”
-Zoran Dindic

Dreams impassion my mind. Justice brews in my heart. It feels like destiny has chosen me to represent the trodden and oppressed, but it doesn't work that way. Destiny is a false human abstraction much like mythology. In defiance of primitive modern consensus, religion is no more than tomorrow's mythologies -- today.

Why do I bother? What does it matter? It does matter. I've come to realize that it doesn't. But it does: for me. This feels right, this is my calling. Folks tend to lean on crutches like faith and other irrelevancies to sustain their lifestyle and mood, regardless of the fatal logic that exists between "man" and the Book. Masters will always remain masters no matter how sweet or magnificent they portray themselves to be. There is no justice, liberty, or even love under any such regime be it physical or metaphysical. The gimmick is losing its ground.

I am not the system. I am the catalyst.

Here ends my pseudoriginal exercise.

Oh, herro thar!

Well I am back, or, have been for a while. I've been thinking the past few weeks about what I should do. I bought more books, including one for my native language, and have some audio set to learn Albanian(not fluently, but conversational, which is enough).

I've grown. Not vertically, or actually I could have done that as well since I don't measure; but mentally. I still make silly mistakes once in a while, but this state of thought is really liberating. I got drunk in Croatia. Now, that may sound absolutely childish to most. Look at it this way, I used to think that drink was a ticket to Hell. It's not, but it's my first time and I've also learned I probably don't have a gene for alcoholism since I didn't fiend for it the next day. Plus, I don't particularly enjoy killing brain cells, so I limit consumption to social events. In other words, a few times a year. Seriously, it's only worth it once or twice a year like that, there's no point in throwing money away and simultaneously making yourself dumber. I've got better things to do.
Like what? Well, check it out:

I stacked those up, yay! Well, I've decided I would read all of those, actually I've already read eight or nine of those in that stack. With school in my routine, I don't think there's much free time left out of the week to read up on all of that. But I should make an effort to read it either way, and I will.

After reading the book Evolution for Everyone by David Sloan Wilson I feel like an amateur scientist, and came up with an interesting place to start. I was wondering about the Afro. It sounds kind of silly, thinking about Afros. Anyway, I considered what's the evolutionary significance of this, since Whites and Asians don't have the same cool hairstyle. I should bring it up with David, perhaps I'll come up with something interesting and new. It just goes to show that science is never ending and ever changing. For those who say it's all been done before, it hasn't, don't kid yourself. We're still a Type I civilization on the Kardashev scale. Think about that, or look it up.

I'm also interested in trading. Now that I think about it, I'm fascinated with everything. Life may be meaningless, but it's not worthless, far from it. I've got a life to live.

I know

I've kept a good routine blogging a few times per month, but I doubt I'll be following through over the next few months. I'm going to EUROPE! Hopefully, if I'm lucky with the internet signal in Bosnia(I bought some USB pseudo-satellite thing for a net connection) I'll try to keep it up-to-date. I'm bringing a ton of books, and I'll be staying there for a ridiculously long period of time, it should be a lot of fun. We'll see how this works out, ciao!

Hair

I finished reading Daniel Dennett's Breaking the Spell last night and tonight I'm moving onto Harvey's Brief History of Neoliberalism to learn more about the so-called "ultimate and final" political system. As you can see, I'm having my doubts about that. Anyway the only thing that really inspired me to write this post was (thank goodness I'm not a part of it anymore) apparently some Muslim "Janadee-ul-Awwal" month's ridiculous claims and sayings,

"It is written in the book Jawaahir Ghaibee that any person who performs 4 Raka'ah on the first night and in each Raka'ah recites Surah Al Ikhlas 11 times, Allah Tabarak Ta'la enters 90,000 years of good deeds in that person's book of deeds and removes 90,000 years of bad deeds from that person's book of deeds.

Jewels of my eyes you are missing the whole point! Please . . . . . try and understand that the ONLY purpose for which Allah created us is for His Worship, His Love and His Obedience. Our very brief stay in this world is to prepare for the Hereafter and to strive to accumulate the fabulous and unbelievable assets in the Paradise."

If you write something ridiculous enough people will believe it. My cousin will believe, I swear, just about anything, if not everything, people say about Islam and how it works. If you've heard about those Albanian terrorists trying to kill US soldiers, the way he spoke about it he like wanted it to happen. Obviously 'it is written' means it was written by a god damned person, as soon as you connect some ridiculous thought to religion like, say, 90,000 years of 'good deeds' people will believe it. Listen to this to see how ridiculous it gets, my cousin told me that Muslims brought pieces of Muhammad's hair to the Mosque, and actually believes that this holy hair still grows! Try to imagine me, now. I'm absolutely baffled and I can't write enough to show you how ridiculous I think it is. My mind is having a brainstorm, it's absolutely retarded. Now, if you told him this in another scenario like, "Yo, imagine if you cut Chuck Norris' hair and it still grew," he'd probably laugh and tell you how ridiculous that sounds. But as soon as you add the religious element to it, "o0o0o0o man I don't know that's some deep shish, very mysterious, don't even try to comprehend it, because we shouldn't it's out of our realm."

Why would 'God' allow such stupidity to reign? There just isn't one. Man invented God. It's their attempt to explain the cosmos. It's no wonder why our irrational and superstitious ancestors made Him out to be just like them -- absolutely retarded.

Like xkcd says, "Science. It works, bitches." I love you, science.

BBL

Well I'm done with school and embarrassed/disappointed with my performance, but that's okay. You see, at least I now understand what it really takes. I need to put all of my effort into school and stop fooling around. Some say I should get a hobby and are baffled when I tell them I read -- a lot. (Well that may not necessarily be the case just yet, as I've only begun) My hobby, no, my passion, is evolution: everything that encompasses the theory, and its utterly remarkable profundities. This is what I've been looking for my whole life -- understanding. How much more spectacular and gratifying it is than kneeling submissively daily like a tool.

Anyway, I love it. In fact, I'm reading Breaking the Spell at the moment and have a yellow sheet emblazoned with thoughts to blog about that I should delay since this book is great.

There's a weird feeling I have that keeps me going. It really was as if I was destined to do something grand. You know, ever since I was a child I just wanted to be ... important. I suppose if you think about it from a psychological perspective, I'm this self-conscious person. I want to be the best at something, and I never could be. I love attention, although I very rarely get it. I remember a fellow lacrosse player, after winning a small grant of scholarship money from the team, said how happy I looked. It may have been nothing to him, but all of this attention and acknowledgment was really special -- I smile thinking about it. I like it that way though. It means I probably won't ever get tired of it, like celebrities. "Reality is nourishment, but people don't believe it." (Be back later.)

-Will be back next month with interesting material. Can't write now: got finals to study for! (but crazy enough to leave a message while studying)

Do something.

Life has been really marvelous since the last time I've posted on this.

I went to Miami for the Winter Music Festival to listen to the best DJs in the world in one... park. Scattered throughout the park, but in the park nonetheless. It rained, but still the music and people were unbelievable. I put the pictures up on my face book and what not.

School is all right, my math homework compiles as I naively put off studying to the last second or day. I love English, and writing about Wells' War of the Worlds. Both of my major papers were about evolution, unsurprisingly, because I love it. I love it when the world and my being makes sense, for the umpteenth time, although, this time I have evidence, and can answer questions that bothered me before. It's absolutely fascinating. So much so, that I purchased a ton of books over the past few weeks from authors like Richard Dawkins, Daniel Dennett, Neil deGrasse Tyson, and Noam Chomsky(to probe my political side). Some names, to spit a few out, are,The God Delusion, The Ancestor's Tale, Breaking the Spell, et alia. Dr. Sharon Moalem also has this new book out that I adore, Survival of the Sickest, all of these books are what I consider only the beginning to newfound rationality and understanding.

I want to add some of the questions and pondering, mentioned before, that stumped me. Not necessarily a big deal, although even through mental abuse I questioned the validity of my own 'conclusions'. The first thing was rather an insignificant bit although it challenged some of my thoughts, the tick. I read from Harun Yahya that, according to the man, all men and animals were created at the time of creation, however long ago it was. But the tick was the first bit that led to concluding I might be wrong. Ticks are a relatively new phenomena, from what I understand, why would they appear so recently? As opposed to always being here?

A cousin of mine is probably the perfect example of a clash between religious dogma and evolutionary theory. He learned, from humanities I assume, that there is no such thing as love, there is only lust. He acknowledges this openly and fully, but to put that in perspective of an evolutionary context is prohibited by his mind as directed by the Qu'ran. If god did create the universe and we were the only thing he cared for, why lust? Wouldn't an omnipotent being create 'true love'? Oh don't judge God, you say? I don't know what he's thinking? Doesn't it make much more sense that we are lustful because our genes practically assert we should reproduce? It's not nonsensical, why don't people connect the dots?

I like my cousins a lot, too. Whatever makes them happy, I suppose, is better for them. I don't want to believe though, I want to know.

This one is rather short, but still it struck me profoundly because I don't think many people ask questions like this. When I walk around and look at people, you can practically see from the way they look and guess their personality. Why is it these people act just like they look? Why are they (pardon the french) plain assholes or dumbasses? Intelligence is inherited, although not completely determined by genes. I just had one experience with a person, and my mind drifted to think about it. Inheritance is a powerful molding force.

Another thing he mentions is intelligence. His sister is gifted from God, he says. The first thing that sprang up is 'fairness.' I asked, why would God favor somebody over another? That's not the all-loving and just. Imams also mention how everybody is equal under God, which makes it a better religion(as opposed to the chosen people, etc.) Well, I asked, why aren't we equal if that's the case? And what struck me is, he was perfectly fine with not knowing, not caring. "That's just the way it is." I now realize God has nothing to do with any of the aforementioned. Everything makes sense under the lens of evolution.

'Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity.'

My whole life, I've been trying to live like in the quote above. I don't want to be normal. I just want to be the best at something, whatever it is. I'm on my way, hopefully. This world stops for nothing, so be/do something.

Developments, school, and Raëlism

I think I'll start out by saying Raelism is bullshit, just in case you were thinking I might believe it.

Anyway, my vacation is over today, and I've got to begin hustling again. I've only got less than two months left for school, so I really need to step it up. I bought a few books and might get a few more.

I've read about halfway through the God Delusion and have found it actually very enjoyable and insightful. Dawkins and Dennett are the two biggest influences of my philosophical thought. When I write for school, I'm passionate about my new thought. The advancement of science and rationality is of utmost importance. Religion is whack. People say that religion may make one happy, and that religion isn't the problem. But it is the problem. Religion basically desires that you 'submit' to their thinking and way of life, without question. I desire questioning everything, because it's right. If you want to believe in god, then become a deist. Not a Muslim, Christian, or what have you. Reason leads to rationality. Religions do not incorporate reason into their beliefs; that makes all religions irrational and scornful. I don't see religious (w0)men reasoning with logic or science the ascent of Jesus, because you'd have to take it on faith. If you're going to believe in a God, don't believe in religion. Anybody with a pen and paper can make themselves holy or rich, as long as the writing is good enough. God without religion is much more acceptable and rational than with a religion, if anybody so wishes to believe in Him.

I'm worked up. Switching gears we go to Raelism. I only wanted to comment some things I find interesting about it, in a disdainful manner. They don't believe in evolution, but they believe that life does not appear by chance, so there is no God, but Aliens somehow managed to put life on this silly planet of ours. Remarkably duplicitous, and if you didn't say 'wtf?' when you read that you didn't see what's wrong with their ideas. If life didn't evolve on earth, and that it doesn't appear by chance or evolution, then how in the hell did aliens come about? Were they so intelligent as to create themselves? You know, it's un-fuckin-believable what some pseudo-philosophies teach and this one really enlarged my supposed beliefs on the limits of the stupidity of humanity. I really hope I got something mixed up or wrong about their beliefs, because it is absolutely duplicitous and idiotic.

Check out my favorite religion, Islam, to give you a good enough reason to abolish religion: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6R6GBZs6z8
People will say, well you can't use a select few to represent the whole of Islam. But in that, my point is, religion leads to irrationality/superstition and things like terrorism. They preach hate, not reason. Religion does not advocate reason, so many branches of irrational beliefs come out and do the damage the world knows so well. I've got so much floating in my mind but I can't get it out, although I believe I've said enough.

Reason and rationalism is the future. Incite insight.

Passage of Time

It's been about a month and guess what? I think it's official, I've broken free from the shackles of religion.

I've been thinking about life a lot, especially the things I've read about and mentioned in prior posts. I'm so glad that I'm an open minded person. I've always been looking for the 'truth' and my trips have definitely taken me a long 'intellectual' path that most people in the world never could or would. (I only apply the parentheses around intellectual because as 'bright' as I may be I'm still amazed and humbled by the amounts of information other people have assimilated throughout their years)

I'm going to try to read two or three books this week, as I'm on spring break. The first would be The God Delusion, which I've started reading but couldn't get around to it due to time constraints. The second is an assignment for English class, although I do assume I'll enjoy reading Wells' War of the Worlds because of my background.

I feel so liberated, so free, it's unbelievable. Commenting on this one article on digg about a $300 million dollar supermosque that's supposed to be built in London somewhere I remember saying something like, "The day $300 million dollars would be spent on something useful rather than propogating religious superstition is far, far away." The comment dugg down a good amount, and I laughed, I just laughed.

I envision religion will plague our world for years to come and will most likely evolve out of the 'Jesus will return' scenario into something less ridiculous. Perhaps somebody will discover some ancient text(or make one out of thin air) and change its ways. Religion won't end us, science has done so much for the planet and minds of people it would be impossible to keep the world in some primitive state.

Look at some of these quotes from this URL: http://www.wonderfulatheistsofcfl.org/Quotes.htm

Most of the quoted people are/were top academics and intellectuals. Does that not say something in of itself? Were they given their intellect by devils to lure you into the sin of disbelief? I'm disappointed in humanity, however, I suppose other civilizations achieving the stage of intelligence must combat it as well. Oh, how marvelous our short civilization's history is, and how splendid the civilizations of others could be. I always think about how first contact would be, what kind of language they would speak, what kind of characters they use for letters and numerals. I am wildly enthusiastic about the future.

I think I'll go ahead and start reading. Mirë upafshim.

Much ado about nothing.

After reading my last post I'm sure some would consider me to be a sissy liberal bitch. But, I don't know. I'm becoming somewhat apathetic. First it was from a hardcore libertarian to a softer one, like my academic advisor. For some reason I agreed with Bill O'Reilly(of all people...) when he said we shouldn't have income redistribution because some people earn it while others throw all of their money into drugs and other bad habits; because you reap what you sow. That would be the only thing I agree with him on, since his mind has no ability to reason or think critically with criticisms. Anyway, if there were to be redistribution it should be among citizens who actually contribute to society(up for interpretation). If you're not one of them, and would rather spend your life in an alley shooting up heroin then be my guest, just don't expect to be paid to throw your life away.

Well, now let's move on. I wanted to write about why I still write for this damn blog. To put it simply: I'm going to die one day. That's fucked up. I think it's because I have this need inside me to connect with people. I have two uncles that are dead, and of which whom I know nothing about. I just know that they were probably really good guys, and now they're gone. I see their pictures to try to imagine them as if they were here. I want to know what they were like, because they're probably just like me, and I'm next in line. It fascinates me, it really is my everything. It's all I think about. So here I am writing so whoever wants to, can connect with me... After looking at slideshows of Carlee Wines made by friends, I think about what would happen if I were to go. Oh, how I want to stay here forever...

I might believe there is no God, then I see something else that makes me agnostic. But, if I'm agnostic and all Big Three religions are ridiculous, does that say something about God? They're all "right" according to each follower's beliefs, but I feel like if they're all wrong. And if the large monotheistic religions are wrong, what would that say about god in general? There couldn't be one, could there? Why would he allow the destruction of whole galaxies, where tons of civilizations could have been living? We are all star stuff. I think essentially in our world there's no evidence for his existence, but I can only be hopeful that there should be one. Even though every day I see something that suggests otherwise.

Try to imagine me befuddled, because I am at this moment, trying to figure out what to write. There's so much I'm thinking about that I could be leaving out. I have this movie in my head. It starts with the big bang, atoms of all sorts flying around, clouds of gases forming, lightning, and, alas, life. Why is it we have this whole process to think about today? Could this be an elaborate mecahnism of a God to keep himself uninvolved? If so, what about other animals and plants? Do they go to 'heaven' too? "No way, only us humans," eh? Why so, that doesn't make sense does it? Sigh. Other animals going to heaven sounds kind of ridiculous doesn't it? What about single celled organisms? They must go to heaven too. You know, the other animal argument is kind of good when arguing against god. Because when you think about god among other animals, they don't need one. What did god ever do for them? There's no Jesus Hamster that had to come down to earth and die for all hamsterkind's sins. So, if there is no god we're left with this long and boring process of the ever magnificent evolution. But what started this process? As much as I admire Carl Sagan, I have trouble replacing a God with infinite regression. It's not because I'm apalled at the thought, but rather, critically thinking as to why I'm here. Infinite regression is almost ridiculous, but that doesn't mean I'm rejecting it. It's almost like Carl was trying to reject it, no matter what. I'm just trying to conclude that God is a plausible answer for only one question in life. Science can have its magnificent adventure at discovering everything else, because there's no equation we can ascertain from a question like, why are we here?

So do animals go to heaven? I can only wait and see, but while I'm at it I'd rather be discovering new things about the universe if I could. If nothing happens, then it doesn't matter: I won't know, I'll just be gone. If something is there, then that's all right, I guess.

There's so much depth and details to these questions. Maybe you can begin to understand why I think existence is so fascinating. You can see it when I read, I practically battle myself and my thoughts probably don't come out whole or focused. I want to know. When it happens I hope somebody uncovers this blog and it's at least inspirational and profound.

Rest in peace C, I hope you found what I'm looking for.

Minwage

Minimum wage? Liberals support hiking the minimum wage but, according to economists, it will increase unemployment.

My advisor has a Ph.D. in Economics from Columbia, basically he's a awfully nice and smart guy. He's done research in this field since he's a Labor Economist. Today, I thought I made profound connection when the term Utilitarianism popped up into my head during class. Think about it. Many people who are the benefactors of the status quo. They don't have to pay their workers as much so they, I assume, would like to keep it that way or even pay them less.
Milton Friedman may be regarded as a genius when he said that a corporation's only responsibility is to maximize its returns to shareholders. He may be a Nobel Prize winner, but I think in this case the amount of people that make a good amount of money are a select few. The natural inclination of these few is to hoard their wealth and stick together, keeping the status quo in motion as long as is possible. Basically, by 'nickel and diming' employees they maximize their earnings. For some reason, in my head, there's this point where any person just has too much money.
For example, Goldman Sachs may have struck it big with oil futures, but do investors really need $100 million dollar bonuses? Just imagine what they would do with that money... Buy some pieces of art, cars, you know, the usual. Distributing some of that money would actually be in fact better for the economy, not just of the US, but the world. I can't help but find the venerable trickle down effect nothing more than status quo rhetoric to put on a facade, and in turn trick people to keep things the way they are. If bonuses were cut from $100 million to something more reasonable like $10 million tops. The lower people in the chain would be spending like crazy, because that's natural market behavior; I think it's the marginal propensity to consume. For every extra dollar people earn they'll spend about 70 cents of it and save 30, and for people with $100 million in their bank, there's nothing left to buy; unless of course they want to build more wealth from that. The 'normal' people in Goldman Sachs would surely spend on things like new cars, homes, electronics, help out family, and so much more. The people on top usually don't have such a wide gamut of goods and services bought.
Giving money to the guys lower on the ladder is like diversifying and strengthening economies as a whole. Provided, everything I'm saying is simply a belief or educated guess. There's no real science or numbers behind it, since I don't think it's ever been that way. Still, I have this feeling that if there were no ultra wealthy people economies of the world would be stronger.
Utilitarianism, utilitarianism, I shouldn't digress so. Perhaps, the increase in wages may be beneficial. There's no evidence that suggests an increase in wages weakens the economy, it just increases unemployment some amount, although not significantly. When people begin making more money they can spend more, right? Now, with this increase in spending it's possible for newer companies to sprout and meet demands, which may employ people who have been recently laid off due to the hike. I mean, it would probably take more work than that. If Goldman Sachs took a chill pill with the bonuses and spread them out reasonably it could do much more for an economy than people making an extra two dollars an hour. If there is a trend of less ultra-wealth, and an increase in minimum wage, that would probably be a superb combination to create an awesome economy that's truly maximizing what's important: the people's utility.

All right, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.
I've gotta read Paradise Lost, woohoo..
g'night...