It's about time.

There's something great between lovers,
Something with which I can't compare.
The way you interact, the way emotions flare,
Sometimes the only thing I can do is stare.

I'm not out to make the rhythm smooth,
Or the bumpy road soothe.

Perhaps this isn't mutual, I would then understand.
As in life, and with love, the supply is less than the demand.

I'm not special, and I'm haunted.
I can see why I'm never wanted.

Being special isn't all it's made out to be.

My best guess: it's my personality,
My lack of irresistibility.
I don't exactly carry an aura of likability.

I battle with the yes/no questions... every single day. That committee meeting in my head thinks of putting in as much effort as you did. It kills me, but I try to explain to myself it shouldn't... I don't know how to respond to my feelings. It's a battle that never ends.

I still battle the animal, the primal instinct. He's a fucking douche-bag. But what if it isn't the animal? What if that's all an extension of my self? Oh, how depressing and cynical this all sounds... God I feel like shit. I'm sick of writing like this, sick of myself, sick of what I am, what I'm not, what I could or couldn't be.

The only thing I've been telling myself lately is that nothing matters. That's how I justify things. And you know what? It works. It keeps me sane. We could, actually we will, all end up like the dinosaurs one day, so you know what? Do whatever the fuck feels right, whatever makes you happy. Do anything and everything. And you know what? These ideas make me happier, they keep me going.

It's about holding on; it's about letting go. I feel like I can't let go. It's not like me to give up. I can take a beating until I'm on the ground and made to beg for submission. That's the way I am. I figure I almost always find a way around most problems I've ever had. And now, the only solution that comes up is to let go of this dependency, because it's not working out. I'm not dependent on alcohol or anything else to keep my moods up(or down) and I can't be dependent on you, it hurts. It really comes down to what I can rationalize to keep me moving. I try to love my self because I guess in the end, "you are all you ever really have." Now, mind you, there's a massive difference between letting go and being dependent. I could be independent and decide to 'let go or hold on', but I can't be dependent and 'let go'.

What does it all come down to? Time, I suppose. Everything seems to come down to that. Time to pass until school starts, time to pass until the semester is over, time to pass until school is 'finally over!1!', and full circle. If there's one thing I've come to realize, something that makes the most sense, but is the most difficult for me to adopt; it would be to enjoy every moment as life passes you by. Make the most with what you have, a sort of universal optimist outlook. Get over yourself, Irfan. That's what keeps me moving. A teacher in high school used to work on Wall Street, and the theme of his class was: "Life isn't fair. Get used to it." That's what I've been trying to accept, and I suppose I will.

I'm free. I love saying that.