The peak experience of rock bottom.

Sometimes I wonder about things, a lot of things. I still struggle with my appearance, my somewhat reticent personality. Sometimes I wish I could be different, that I didn't look this way, that perhaps I could be normal; and not an eccentric.

Some people say being normal is bland, I'd agree, I suppose. I love what I am inside, but to most people that's of little significance. All that matters are the "did u meet n e cute boyz?" or the adage, "yo pussy is pussy man." I guess that's all that really does matter, in the context of... the universe. Really. Why should I hold back, why should I be reticent, why should I be me? We're all going to die, and not only that, our kids are all going to die too, and furthermore, our species will likely be added to the ever growing list of the extinct. Even if we do venture into space, how far can we get? What does it matter to me? Shouldn't I be concerned with the well being of future generations? It sounds nice, but does it really matter? Life is misery, and nature is a merciless son of a bitch.

Why am I even writing? Who gives a shit? I'd like to tell myself somebody's going to discover this and maybe something great will come out of it, but deep down I know it won't. These thoughts, this stream of consciousness, of what use is it? This nihilism oozes, and like my writing, it stinks. Teachers always pretend, "you've got some great ideas but you need to work on your execution!" All I have are ideas; for all I know they're shitty too. I can't express myself, I can't do shit.

I wish it wasn't like this. I remember telling my brother, "you are everything you hate," in response to something stupid he said. I can't help but wonder, am I everything I hate? Low self-esteem, unattractive, all that good stuff. I feel like I'm losing my connection with reality. I should, it helps. It keeps me down to earth because when I end up floating away, I look around. I look up. I see myself in the stars, I see you, I see it all. What does it matter what I look like? We're all coming back home, to nothing, sooner or later. The organic molecules the earthworms might take from my body will be recycled, to be used in the development of even more marvelous life.

I can't change what I am. This connectedness I feel from my different experiences brings me peace. I need to open up, to experience life more fully, before time runs out. I feel love resonate inside, it's best to set it free, to let it fly freely. I know why my caged bird sings. A peak experience if I've ever had one.

Just Be.